Feminist concerns don't end with childlessness

My littlest niece turns 16 next week. 16!!! I’ve been more disturbed by that than my other nieces/nephews growing up. Maybe because I’ve had more to do with her. Maybe because she’s the last niece/nephew. There are already great-nephews on the scene; the oldest has his 21st birthday next week too. Good grief!

I was recently watching a teen drama, and couldn’t stop thinking about my niece being in each of the situations portrayed. Then yesterday morning, I read a NYT article that shocked me. I guess the fact I don’t have kids has protected me from the realities of teen life in the 2020s! Then again, because I don’t have the same bond and bias as a parent, maybe I can look at all these events and social patterns without quite so much personal involvement, and certainly without the fear of judgement of my parenting skills, or the often-delusional belief that “my child would never xxxx” that I have heard in the past from so many friends and family. I sent the article to my sister and chatted about it with her – she’s open to my comments as long as I’m restrained and tactful about my opinions! (It helps if I keep them generalised, rather than niece-specific!)

The thing about this article that disturbs me though is the lack of progress that women (or young girls) have made in terms of their sexual relationships. And men too, for that matter, as the article talks about peer pressure to perfect these acts. It stuns me that still, in 2024, certain acts are prioritised over female consent and pleasure, even by the young women themselves. And that what we might have seen as abuse is accepted by a majority today. Is it because they think it’s cool? That they have to, to be seen as desirable? That it fulfils some kind of female role? And some kind of male/female dominance/subservience role? Argh. Or is it just a lack of education, of discussion about gender and sexual roles? Is it just ignorance and peer pressure? In the meantime, in the practice discussed in the article, women are suffering ongoing health implications, and even death.

I don’t have to be a mother to be disappointed and disgusted by that. I don’t have to have a genetic stake in the next generation to be concerned about the future for young women and girls, and the way formerly abusive behaviours are being normalised. I despair that so little progress has been made. I could start into a much longer rant about my views on this, but I will spare you that. I'll just say that in this case, my bond with those who are subject to society's still biased gender assumptions and roles is far closer than any perceived distance between those who are parents and those who are not.

No Kidding Guests

We have guests coming for dinner tonight. So I've no time to blog (and clearly didn't plan in advance enough) because I'll be baking a cake (my first real cake* in a year or more), and scurryfunging (my new favourite word - see note** below). It's good having visitors - for once the house will be clean and tidy. And that lasts after they're gone too. So will the cake!

Our guests don't have kids either. So there will be no talk of kids and/or grand-kids. Rather, we'll be talking about adventures, past and future. Giving and receiving tips. Living the lives we have.

*  I.e. Not a cheesecake, lemon slice, mince pie, or baclava, none of which qualify as cakes if you ask me. 

**Scurryfunging = the frenetic cleaning before visitors arrive

A No Kidding Long Weekend

It's the last day of Easter. Tomorrow everyone goes back to work, except those in education, who historically get another day off. The country has been on holiday.  

My sister-in-law posted a photo of a big gathering at her house – her kids and friends kids all together. She loves to entertain, and as she rightly said, her house is a great party house. I had a little twinge, I will admit. But in a few years, all her kids will have left home. She’ll probably still throw parties - who needs kids to do that? These days, most parents I know have kids who are grown, and living far afield. Their Easters will have been quiet too. Most of us don’t have parents around anymore. Many of us don’t have siblings or other relatives in this same town, where so many migrate to work, and then stay. So we spend the time alone, or with friends, as we might otherwise spend any weekend. So it’s all about maintaining perspective. 

Yes, I have a few close friends whose families still live around them, and they spend public holidays together. But most of us make do. Some years we might travel to see family. But most years we stay at home and undertake house maintenance (Easter is a huge gardening time in NZ!), some years we might meet friends for dinner, other years we curl up and read. Some years we do all of the above!

I mentioned a nice meal I was making. “Just for you and Mr Mali?” another sister-in-law asked. “It’s only ever me and Mr Mali,” was my response, “so if we want to eat a roast dinner we do it.” And damn good it was too!

That’s how we spent our Easter. I made only four little Easter eggs, because that’s all we needed. We’ve been out for coffee and done some furniture window shopping. I’ve cooked up a storm, and chilled out on the couch watching a Midsomer Murderathon on one of the cable channels here. It’s so dark in the mornings now, we’ve been sleeping in longer. I started a furniture covering which I’m hoping to make progress on after I’ve written this. I’ve been on a walk this morning. It was a normal, No Kidding, long weekend. And it has been lovely. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Monday Miscellany: An Ageing without Children Version

I recently saw someone posting on an ageing without children forum talking about their health and fitness regime as a means of protection for their old age. This wasn't the first time I've seen the argument for taking care of our health and staying as fit as we can for as long as we can. It's a good message, except when it is seen as a solution for the issues those of us without children face when we are old. It's so short-sighted. We can do everything right, and still fall ill. My mother and my in-laws and several friends are examples of healthy living and good exercise, and still being affected by poor health. None of us have total control over that. Things happen. We need to be prepared ... before it is too late! It’s always a good reminder for me to think about the changes needed to my lifestyle, and the timing of these changes, to prepare for infirmity. Of course, Inertia is a huge force for so many of us. I’m particularly vulnerable to it, and to its brother, Procrastination! But we can’t afford to leave it too late. Don't stick your head in the sand and think you'll never get old or sick!

Also, here’s a gripe about the person boasting about her healthy lifestyle. She was effectively humble bragging. and by implying that this is a potential solution comes dangerously close to blaming those who do have health problems. The ignorance of this! So many of us who have been through infertility understand that this attitude is not only incorrect and unfair, but harmful. Did I say anything on the aforementioned forum? No, I didn’t want them to feel I was criticising them. But maybe I should.

In another conversation with a friend who is childfree (by choice), she was bemoaning her husband’s unwillingness to adopt new technologies. He barely uses a smartphone. He doesn’t have children to help him, and he needs to be able to adapt. I’m already appalled at the way government agencies think that technology is the solution to everything, ignoring the fact that many of those who are now retired have spent much of their lives without relying on technology. Learning new things isn’t always easy as you get older, and retaining that information is difficult. I watched my FIL, an early adopter with a personal computer in his house from the 1980s. But by the time he was in his late 80s and early 90s, he was forgetting how to use this technology, let alone being able to update his knowledge. Coupled with loss of sight, he was reliant on us. My friend’s husband risks being left behind, finding himself in even more distress than he already is when he sees friends constantly reach for their phones!

Again, I hear people say that having children keeps you young. Maybe it does – parents know what music their kids are listening to, maybe what websites they’re checking out, etc. But they are so much more aware of the passage of time too. Whereas I don’t have children reminding me how old and out of touch I am! But, as I’ve mentioned before here I’m sure, the parents I know also rely on their kids to teach them about new technology. They’re not very good at adapting to life online, which is both our reality now, and almost definitely our futures. I’m regularly called on by a friend to help her figure out what she wants to do. (I recently had to explain substack after younger people were recommending it to her. “It’s nothing that new,” I said. “Essentially it’s just a blogging platform.”) She makes me feel younger - she’s 10 years younger than me anyway – and more connected!

Any Ageing without Children issues raised around you lately?

Quotes in homage of the No Kidding blogging community

I love a good quote. Regular readers know that already! I love finding that someone has perfectly, succinctly, eloquently expressed an emotion I have not previously been able to articulate. Or when I read a quote that has expressed a feeling or belief I have had, and I see it validated in print. (If only I could memorise them all when I first read them.) Quotes can go a long way – much further than a too-wordy blogpost! And so, today’s post again highlights thoughts from the insightful Maya Angelou:

“If you are always trying to be normal, you’ll never know how amazing you can be.”

This seems to be made for the No Kidding community. We feel ever so normal until we find we will never have children. All of a sudden, we are isolated, judged, and seen as different. Not normal, even. But look around at our No Kidding blogging community. They embody this quote, and are truly amazing. I hope they know it.

“When you learn, teach, when you get, give.”

As a lifelong learner, I love this. I think it is also a special strength of our blogging community. Going through something difficult teaches us so many things. My Gifts of Infertility series is evidence of how that worked for me. This community gives us so much support when we need it. Passing it on through our blogs, and giving and taking the community support that has grown here, helps many. Teaching as we learn, giving as we get. This is such a good example for our lives.

And last but never least,

“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.”
                                                                                   Maya Angelou